Day 16 - 14/08/14 - Vienna!

Archie annoyingly woke me up by tickling my foot >:( Left a note for our German friends in case they wanted to keep in contact (but they never did!) :(

And on our very quick 2:30hr train journey to vienna we sat next to a lovely father and son who kept calling everything fantastic! They were born in Hungary, worked in Italy and loved Vienna so were visiting! The dad kept hinting at Archie to marry me ;) haha, they were such nice people :)

Arrived at our destination and found the hotel that was meant to be £120 a night but we got it for half price?! Mint! We even had a telly!! 

Sat in their lounge with rubbish wifi to try and find stuff to do and a place to eat. Ended up having a really average curry from a market over the road that was heavily populated by no, not Austrians, but Turkish!

Eventually checked in, had a shower, watched a bit of german Malcolm in the middle and then got the metro to the main square where we saw people standing still in the middle of the street for no reason, a hand-made band and 'mozart's park'. Got some curry wurst searched for 'bau-schmau' that Archie apparently has when skiing, found some at the film festival and then got the metro to a cool travellers bar called the Travelshack :)

 

Met an Australian couple and loads of cool guys who we played 'nails' with. It's a really fun game where you take it in turns to whack your nail into the piece of wood with the small side of a hammer. The last person who hasn't whacked their nail in all the way has to buy a round.. And guess who had to?! Me :( 

Tried a snickers shot, an apple pie shot and a blowjob (shot)!!! Spoke to an English girl and Dutch bf and went home with a very drunk Archie haha who fell asleep very naked and very funnily!

Day 15 - 13/08/14 - Budapest!

Woke up and made friends (or at least we thought they were our friends... They never did add us in Facebook!) with two German doctors and went to have breakfast with them. They were going to the szgit festival but I think we had our eyes set on the baths (which were AMAZING!)

Tubed it (very fast, they don't mess about) to the famous market where there was lovely food and traditional souvenirs. Bought a few things for back home like proper paprika and a goulash recipe!

Walked over the bridge up to the citadella - very hot and tiring but beautiful views and well worth doing! I definitely was thankful for the waterfall at the end though! 

Finally found the holocaust memorial of the shows on the bank of the Danube and then decided to get a drink and some food at a cat cafe (which turned out to be rubbish!) stupid woman walking around doing nothing! 

Went back for a chill and got ready to go to the baths :) nasty man served me and nasty towel hogger woman :( but nice pools and saunas! Got pizza from the same street where we ate last night and went to bed xx

Day 14 - 12/08/14 - Budapest!

Archie woke up from our alarm and showered while I had a bit extra sleep time and got ready super fast last minute! Grabbed some sandwiches for brunch and hopped on the train with our reserved seats (we'd learnt!) 

When we got to Budapest we needed to reserve seats on future train journeys so while Archie sorted that out, I tried to ask where we could get the underground and how to buy tickets. Hardly anyone understood English or spoke it here! 

Got to Marco Polo (cool hostel name) very fast thanks to my ace map skills. This hostel was quite different to the rest we'd stayed in, the rooms were sort of split into your own section by wardrobes.

I freshened up and we managed to find the best Hungarian goulash ever! We even had homemade raspberry lemonade to go with it! 

Walked around the city to see the river and 'buda' side (as it used to be called when split) and stopped at a beach party for a drink and chillax. Back to the hostel, planned a bit on what to do tomorrow, and slept for the night. 

13/11/14

Dear Diary,

My struggles with anxiety are continuing to affect my day to day life.
The hypnotherapy worked to some extent, that I'm not suffering too badly with panic attacks anymore. But the fear of having one or actually vomiting still lingers.

It got so bad that yesterday, I couldn't even face going into work and panicked myself so much I started to have what I think was like palpitations? Once I calmed myself down I felt ridiculously guilty that I'd let it beat me and control my day. I wept and felt stupidly hopeless.

What's more is that the day before that, an appointment that I'd been waiting to have for weeks (CBT through the NHS) was cancelled - on the day! I kept thinking, what if I'd gone to it, had a bit of support and guidance... Maybe I would have been able to face that fear the following day and go into work? How disappointing, thank goodness I'm not suicidal like I'm sure many others suffering with these issues are. To be let down by your therapist? Absolutely disgusting.

It all seems to have built up again, and even after a nice relaxing half term break away in Spain didn't cure me! Gah!! Although, something that I have said before, and no doubt will say again, talking to people has helped me. Every time I talk about my problems with someone new, it feels like I'm letting go of bits of worry. 'Worry particles' seem to fall off me and wear away. I was approached by somebody that had also experienced similar feelings to me. His trigger - being trapped, so traffic jams, lifts, aeroplanes were all no-goes. Listening to how he felt about and dealt with his fears just gave me a sense of normality, and I'm sure it did for him when I empathized and agreed with every word he said.

He also gave me some advice, which was to be open about my troubles with work, which I managed to do today in a typed letter to my boss. Typed, because I decided this would be much easier than verbally explaining it to him and getting emotional and potentially crying my eyes out. He's agreed to have a quick chat tomorrow about it all, which I hope helps me feel supported and reassured in a way.

I'm also going to keep a log on here of each day and how I feel, just to see if there are any patterns as I can't seem to find a particular trigger. Some days I'm anxious to the max, some days, sickness doesn't even cross my mind. Right, let's try and remember back...

23/10/14- I had a bad headache/migraine all day and night, massive panicked state all night, felt v sick
24/10/14- Early flight to Spain, felt really bad in the morning on the way.
25-28/10/14- Enjoyed Spain, had a few bad migraines, felt a bit worried as eating out a lot and in sun (potential sunstroke)
29/10/14- I remember panicking on the beach, felt sick and really wanted to go home, Mom convinced me I needed food and turns out... I did! Haha
30/10/14- Returned home, felt slightly uneasy on the night.
31/10/14- Went out with friends for food and cinema, felt completely fine and loved it!
01/11/14- Went to a Halloween party, slightly on edge most of the night, didn't dare drink.
02/11/14- Had sunday lunch at Nans, didn't have an appetite for dinner (unlike me) and had bad stomach pains all night.
03/11/14- Back to school, worst.day.ever. Massive massive worries. Mainly happened in my free periods? Also hardly ate.
04/11/14- Bit scared in the morning for a repeat, went on a trip with school to cinema and had a great day.
05/11/14- Cinema trip again, but started to feel anxious midday and sick on the night.
06/11/14- Fine day.
07/11/14- Good day, on the night went out for fireworks display.
08/11/14- Another good day, spent up town feeling fine.
09/11/14- Good again, ate well.
10/11/14- Fine.
11/11/14- Fine, didn't even think about it.
12/11/14- Bad. Managed to have a positive night though, at a youth club volunteering.
13/11/14- On and off, managed to control it.

Gonna have a chillaxing bath and pray for a good day tomorrow! It's bingo night at school! xx

Day 13 - 11/08/14 - Prague

Nearly died of a minor cold this morning. Archie saved my life with paracetamol and a dodgy baguette off a weird woman. Had a shower and felt better - woohoo!

It was very rainy in Prague today so pacamacs on! Headed out into the town, nearly missed the 'astronomical clock', (meant to be one of the most disappointing sights ever), saw Charles bridge and got a coffee in macciedees :) free wifi!

Decided that we needed to book a Segway tour and got one for only £30 later in the day. Set off to try and find the castle! On our way we got literally pulled into a medieval-type pub by two scary men who couldn't break character! Had quite a nice dark beer there and then walked up a lot of stairs to find the nicest view and see the guards and parliament.

Walked back down the but this time through a lot of grapevines, and stumbled upon a lovely typical Czech restaurant instead of KFC (which we were embarrassingly aiming for).



After eating the nicest meal so far in Czech Republic we accidentally found the 'weemen', saw people making a rolled-sweet-bread type thing and all the love locks under the bridge. Walked back over Charles bridge and saw the famous band that plays on it!

Back to the hostel for a chill and started to feel peckish again so got a quick, weird and definitely untrustworthy McDonalds before our Segway tour! Met some nice Americans from Malibu and funny Chinese man who were also in our group for the Segways. The views were awesome and the experience was amazing!! Would defo recommend doing it! Right at the end of our tour, Archie raced me and as we were both nearly reaching 20mph he fell off!! Haha I wish I'd have been filming!

 

Back to room again to pre drink before hitting the ice bar! So unbelievably cold!! We had a laugh with the people in there though, doing the Harlem Shake to stay warm! Feeling slightly tipsy I was determined to try one of those yummy sweet rolled bread on way home and it was very yummy indeed x

 

Day 12 - 10/08/14 - Prague!

Up early to make sure our washed clothes were now dry and drove to the Hauptbahnhof to say 'tschuß!' Although Dad was a little more interested in free wifi at the station...




Archie and I got on an extremely busy train towards Prague. We realised we'd been really lucky with not booking any reservations so far and made the mistake of not booking a seat on this 5 hour journey one!! Ended up having a snoozle on the carriageway floor, using my backpack as a handy pillow. We sat down for maybe 5 minutes while someone got up from their seats and chatted to a woman and her son who were all the way from Dubai!



Once in Prague (or Praha as they call it) it was up to me to show Archie the way to our next hostel (as I'd booked it). BUT because I booked it in Germany, the already brief directions became even more miffing. My German isn't 100% but I was pretty sure it said to go right, over the park and carry on but Archie trusted a Czech guys opinion on going left to head for a subway. Now on this certain day Prague had to be the most ridiculously humid place on earth, which explained the amount of rain the following day haha! And after a lot of pointless walking,
you guessed it,
we got lost.






A nice surprise, when we did get there following MY directions, was to find we had a room all to ourselves! :) Starving and ready to get out we went for dinner at an American diner called James Deans and stuffed our faces in the country that is supposed to have the 'worst diet' due to 'greasy and heavy food'. Full up to our bellies we hobbled back to sleep off the starch and after being amazed at the amount of cannabis vodka, duff beer and original 'budweiser' we hit the hay x

Day 11 - 09/08/14 - Berlin!

Woke up to enjoy a typisch dad breakie! Toast, hams, cheese and his specialty- eggs! Me and Archie have already visited and toured Berlin so sights weren't that important. Although, last time we came I couldn't locate Checkpoint Charlie to show Arch, so this was a must for today!! 

And yay it was another hot day! We wanted to get some lunch in maybe Alexanderplatz but we got a little lost... Eventually we made it after looking at all the Berlin bears in a souvenir shop and we grabbed a Chinese box for lunch. 

All of a sudden as we walked around the market, what seemed like a nice day turned into the scene out of the Wizard of Oz - it was so windy! Scurried for shelter at the nearest U-bahn and decided to go home and chill. Just missing the rain, we spent some time on the PC looking for future hostels and a decent apartment or something to stay in when we explore Croatia.

Dad took us all out for dinner at a place called Spindler and Klatt! (Hehe, love the name!) It was a fancy place, with posh food and a disco. With full bellies, bedtime was due. 

Day 10 - 08/08/14 - Berlin!

Got up for breakie and helped Juana tidy up a bit whilst getting ready to go! She drove us to the train station and we said our goodbyes!! Gave her and her parents 'tak' (thank you in Danish) cards. 

After a lovely train journey of filling in some more of our travel journal (oh yeah, forgot to mention that!), enjoying a real Danish pastry with tea and coffee and scoffing the sandwiches Juana herself made us, we arrived in Berlin (hamburg looked nice too) and saw my dad! He picked us up along with his current girlfriend (Heike) and we did a a quick food shop in Edeka before arriving at the flat to unpack, watch a bit of TV, shower, ring mom and surf the net on a very old PC.

After a long hour Heike produced a yummy meal of bolletten, potatoes, sauerkraut, red cabbage and gravy! And dad even made a gurke salat! Later on we went out to a man-made beach party by the river :) had some drinks and headed back. Felt REALLY sick in the night! I don't think alcohol likes me anymore :( 

20/10/2014

Dear Diary,

For a while now I've been suffering with something that I've never really been able to deal with. I'm a big believer in being honest and I know that when I read stuff that relates to what I'm going through it really helps, so as hard as this is to admit, (to anyone, never mind the internet) I think it will be good for me and hopefully someone else out there that's also in this situation.

I have Emetophobia and from this a few other 'symptoms' that I suppose come hand in hand. It's the fear of being sick.

I'll start from the very beginning, and tell you my real story. I can't really remember exactly what caused me to have this fear, there aren't any major triggers in the back of my mind that I distinctly remember but I can't actually imagine a time when I didn't have this fear?

Now I know that your only born with two fears blah blah blah 'fear of falling' and 'fear of loud noises' and you 'develop and create the rest of your fears'. You'd think I'd have experienced some sort of traumatic car journey with the whole family throwing up over each other but I can't recall anything so awful that would make me so scared of it? Anywho, whatever it was, I've bloody well got this fear now and it's kinda started to eat me up.

It was a big problem growing up throughout school. I progressively took more and more time off school, avoided staying over at friend's houses and even cancelled meeting up with friends because of it. I could never eat out at a restaurant (or anywhere else other than my house for that matter) and found it hard to even trust what my Mother cooked for me.

I remember getting mouth ulcers all the time and having a really bad technique of pinching and scratching myself to try to deal with it. 

And then I met my current boyfriend, who eased the worrying massively, made me 'chillax' in a way that my fear seemed to just disappear... Until about a year ago when I actually vomited. That was a bit of a downer; I wasn't even that bothered at the time. But sure enough, after all that trained calmness, the liberation and feeling as though I had beaten whatever this child fear was, it all came back. And worse than ever before.

I could feel a sort of anxiety setting in. Days off work. Panic attacks grew more intense. IBS flared up. Producing excessive acid. Starting to avoid social events. You know, even going out to Lidl for some bread seemed like a giant ask. I stopped all the voluntary work I used to do. Stopped learning Spanish at college. Made up silly excuses to friends about how busy I was or how 'physically' ill I'd been. It started to get quite ridiculous.  

It was at a party about 2 months ago where it all changed for me. I wasn't drinking anyway as I was afraid that would make me feel sick. We'd all ordered pizza and half way through eating I stopped enjoying it and started to worry something was wrong with it. About an hour later I had to go upstairs away from everyone else because I was having a massive panic attack that I would throw up. I was nearly crying at how stupid I'd been, not even being able to sit with friends or just be sick and move on like normal people! And that's when I decided I was gonna do something about this, I managed to calm myself down and researched on the internet for any self-help guides. I texted mom and promised myself I'd talk with her the next day about it and seek help. 

I found it really hard to even open up to my mom who I'm unbelievably close with, but even just a quick chat helped me. We booked a doctor appointment and I was referred to have CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). But as the NHS (and most people) believe mental health isn't as important as physical, I was put on a waiting list that frankly, I couldn't wait for. 

After a bit more research and more bad days, I found a hypnotherapist near by me that could fit me in that week so I thought I'd give it a go. I would try anything that works! And after just 2 sessions with this man, I've been panic attack free somehow?!! No, not everything's disappeared overnight, I still feel nervy, almost like I'm waiting for something bad to happen but so far, no, I'm surprisingly getting on well. 

The main reason I'm writing this now is to help. Myself, and anyone that has mental health too. Please please please talk about it! There's such a stigma about having this illness and people need to become used to the fact that it is serious and people are suffering from it, as much as anyone would with a physical problem. The more we talk and share our issues, the more we can help ourselves and hopefully help change the way people view it. Speaking to people has 100% helped me in my journey to feeling well and healthy and happy so please open up to someone, anyone. A bit of support will make a huge difference. 

Day 9 - 07/08/14 - Rødekro

Got up this morning feeling a bit ill from like a cold/flu thing and it was also quite an english-type rainy day, making things even more miserable. But, we decided to make the best of it and go crabbing - Danish styley. Me and Arch were slightly freaked out by all the jelly fish, but Juana said it was normal!

The plan was to pick up Martin (Juana's Boyfriend) and go to an old town called Tønder (about an hour away). As soon as we got there it started thundering and tipped it down. We ran for shelter to have some lunch and even though I was in good company and a lovely little town I felt awfully ill and decided to head back for bed :(

I chilled out for a few hours while Martin, Juana and Archie watched some TV and chatted. I used this alone time to have a quick update with Nanny and my sister Jane through FaceTime. I woke up to the smell of brownies and after trying a couple soon felt a tad better. We stuck on The Conjuring (ahhh so scary!) and attempted to get ready to go out for a drink or two...

But I didn't feel up to it in the end so stayed in and caught up on some Breaking Bad that me and Arch had withdrawal symptoms of!! Juana took Martin home and got some pasta, cheese and burgers for dinner (surprisingly nice combo). The film Rush Hour ended up being put on and after a lot of snacks and laughs and beers and a smoke outside, what seemed like a hopeless day in the start, turned out to be a great night in. :)

Day 8 - 06/08/14 - Rødekro

Juana had work today and her parents were off on holiday themselves so we got ready after a lovely lie in and had chocolate slices on rolls for breakfast?! Ready to spend the day sat in the sun on the beach. It's surprising how beachy Denmark is? I guess because its such a narrow country there's always a coast nearby. Makes me want to live here, it's so ideal. 

Snacked on 'Pepsi Twist', watermelon, biscuits and cherries. Had a splash in the sea and then went to Føtex (big shop where Juana works) and into the town where we found the coolest shop ever!! Tiger! It did the coolest stuff, mostly home ware and stationary - I couldn't get enough of it! When we told Juana she laughed because she said it's like our 'Poundland' equivalent. Me and Arch dined on nachos and tapas at a fancy bistro and got the bus home all on our own! 

Watched some Danish TV (in English), washed clothes and ordered pizza when Juana got back. Watched some more (oh yeah we watched it yesterday) Idiot Abroad, searched for stuff to do tomorrow like Lego Land, or visit an old town, or see the 'black sun' but couldn't decide so went to bed. Oh yeah forgot to mention Juana has ... 5 cats!! This place gets better by the second!

Day 7 - 05/08/14 - Rødekro!

Woke up bright and breezy by a passport control man knocking on our carriage at stupid o'clock in Flensburg, Germany. We then transferred onto a very rude and busy train to Rødekro, where our foreign exchange friend from school lives. Pulling up at the station it looked far different to what we were used to experiencing. So quiet and calm! Juana picked us up and on our way to her's we got some bread rolls from the bakery. This is what we arrived to on our first day in Denmark:



We met Juana's parents, (Edith and Helge) who were really nice! Their English was good, but it made me laugh how they called a runny egg a 'running egg'! Haha, I felt a bit dizzy, I think from the night train so had a shower, Juana had a jam packed agenda prepared for us so we then headed out to a lake where the Danish Queen has her holidays! She packed us a few cans of this lovely 'Pepsi twist' which just had a hint of lemon!

After a walk round and a very embarrassing picture of myself was taken, we saw a windmill representing victory in an old war. I was asked by a shop lady something in danish that I didn't understand so I went blank and Juana later told me she thought I was dumb :(

A quick stop back at her home, (where, btw, we had a gorgeous double bed to ourselves!!) and we went to 'Sønderborg' for a look at 'klipklaps' (English = Flipflops) and enjoyed a yummy at the kind expense of Edith and Helge AND even had ice cream which had this weird sticky stuff on called 'guff' by the harbor.


Got home for a bit of a chill and watched the horror Mama!!! Edith made us waffles on the night as well - so nice!