13/11/14

Dear Diary,

My struggles with anxiety are continuing to affect my day to day life.
The hypnotherapy worked to some extent, that I'm not suffering too badly with panic attacks anymore. But the fear of having one or actually vomiting still lingers.

It got so bad that yesterday, I couldn't even face going into work and panicked myself so much I started to have what I think was like palpitations? Once I calmed myself down I felt ridiculously guilty that I'd let it beat me and control my day. I wept and felt stupidly hopeless.

What's more is that the day before that, an appointment that I'd been waiting to have for weeks (CBT through the NHS) was cancelled - on the day! I kept thinking, what if I'd gone to it, had a bit of support and guidance... Maybe I would have been able to face that fear the following day and go into work? How disappointing, thank goodness I'm not suicidal like I'm sure many others suffering with these issues are. To be let down by your therapist? Absolutely disgusting.

It all seems to have built up again, and even after a nice relaxing half term break away in Spain didn't cure me! Gah!! Although, something that I have said before, and no doubt will say again, talking to people has helped me. Every time I talk about my problems with someone new, it feels like I'm letting go of bits of worry. 'Worry particles' seem to fall off me and wear away. I was approached by somebody that had also experienced similar feelings to me. His trigger - being trapped, so traffic jams, lifts, aeroplanes were all no-goes. Listening to how he felt about and dealt with his fears just gave me a sense of normality, and I'm sure it did for him when I empathized and agreed with every word he said.

He also gave me some advice, which was to be open about my troubles with work, which I managed to do today in a typed letter to my boss. Typed, because I decided this would be much easier than verbally explaining it to him and getting emotional and potentially crying my eyes out. He's agreed to have a quick chat tomorrow about it all, which I hope helps me feel supported and reassured in a way.

I'm also going to keep a log on here of each day and how I feel, just to see if there are any patterns as I can't seem to find a particular trigger. Some days I'm anxious to the max, some days, sickness doesn't even cross my mind. Right, let's try and remember back...

23/10/14- I had a bad headache/migraine all day and night, massive panicked state all night, felt v sick
24/10/14- Early flight to Spain, felt really bad in the morning on the way.
25-28/10/14- Enjoyed Spain, had a few bad migraines, felt a bit worried as eating out a lot and in sun (potential sunstroke)
29/10/14- I remember panicking on the beach, felt sick and really wanted to go home, Mom convinced me I needed food and turns out... I did! Haha
30/10/14- Returned home, felt slightly uneasy on the night.
31/10/14- Went out with friends for food and cinema, felt completely fine and loved it!
01/11/14- Went to a Halloween party, slightly on edge most of the night, didn't dare drink.
02/11/14- Had sunday lunch at Nans, didn't have an appetite for dinner (unlike me) and had bad stomach pains all night.
03/11/14- Back to school, worst.day.ever. Massive massive worries. Mainly happened in my free periods? Also hardly ate.
04/11/14- Bit scared in the morning for a repeat, went on a trip with school to cinema and had a great day.
05/11/14- Cinema trip again, but started to feel anxious midday and sick on the night.
06/11/14- Fine day.
07/11/14- Good day, on the night went out for fireworks display.
08/11/14- Another good day, spent up town feeling fine.
09/11/14- Good again, ate well.
10/11/14- Fine.
11/11/14- Fine, didn't even think about it.
12/11/14- Bad. Managed to have a positive night though, at a youth club volunteering.
13/11/14- On and off, managed to control it.

Gonna have a chillaxing bath and pray for a good day tomorrow! It's bingo night at school! xx