13/11/14

Dear Diary,

My struggles with anxiety are continuing to affect my day to day life.
The hypnotherapy worked to some extent, that I'm not suffering too badly with panic attacks anymore. But the fear of having one or actually vomiting still lingers.

It got so bad that yesterday, I couldn't even face going into work and panicked myself so much I started to have what I think was like palpitations? Once I calmed myself down I felt ridiculously guilty that I'd let it beat me and control my day. I wept and felt stupidly hopeless.

What's more is that the day before that, an appointment that I'd been waiting to have for weeks (CBT through the NHS) was cancelled - on the day! I kept thinking, what if I'd gone to it, had a bit of support and guidance... Maybe I would have been able to face that fear the following day and go into work? How disappointing, thank goodness I'm not suicidal like I'm sure many others suffering with these issues are. To be let down by your therapist? Absolutely disgusting.

It all seems to have built up again, and even after a nice relaxing half term break away in Spain didn't cure me! Gah!! Although, something that I have said before, and no doubt will say again, talking to people has helped me. Every time I talk about my problems with someone new, it feels like I'm letting go of bits of worry. 'Worry particles' seem to fall off me and wear away. I was approached by somebody that had also experienced similar feelings to me. His trigger - being trapped, so traffic jams, lifts, aeroplanes were all no-goes. Listening to how he felt about and dealt with his fears just gave me a sense of normality, and I'm sure it did for him when I empathized and agreed with every word he said.

He also gave me some advice, which was to be open about my troubles with work, which I managed to do today in a typed letter to my boss. Typed, because I decided this would be much easier than verbally explaining it to him and getting emotional and potentially crying my eyes out. He's agreed to have a quick chat tomorrow about it all, which I hope helps me feel supported and reassured in a way.

I'm also going to keep a log on here of each day and how I feel, just to see if there are any patterns as I can't seem to find a particular trigger. Some days I'm anxious to the max, some days, sickness doesn't even cross my mind. Right, let's try and remember back...

23/10/14- I had a bad headache/migraine all day and night, massive panicked state all night, felt v sick
24/10/14- Early flight to Spain, felt really bad in the morning on the way.
25-28/10/14- Enjoyed Spain, had a few bad migraines, felt a bit worried as eating out a lot and in sun (potential sunstroke)
29/10/14- I remember panicking on the beach, felt sick and really wanted to go home, Mom convinced me I needed food and turns out... I did! Haha
30/10/14- Returned home, felt slightly uneasy on the night.
31/10/14- Went out with friends for food and cinema, felt completely fine and loved it!
01/11/14- Went to a Halloween party, slightly on edge most of the night, didn't dare drink.
02/11/14- Had sunday lunch at Nans, didn't have an appetite for dinner (unlike me) and had bad stomach pains all night.
03/11/14- Back to school, worst.day.ever. Massive massive worries. Mainly happened in my free periods? Also hardly ate.
04/11/14- Bit scared in the morning for a repeat, went on a trip with school to cinema and had a great day.
05/11/14- Cinema trip again, but started to feel anxious midday and sick on the night.
06/11/14- Fine day.
07/11/14- Good day, on the night went out for fireworks display.
08/11/14- Another good day, spent up town feeling fine.
09/11/14- Good again, ate well.
10/11/14- Fine.
11/11/14- Fine, didn't even think about it.
12/11/14- Bad. Managed to have a positive night though, at a youth club volunteering.
13/11/14- On and off, managed to control it.

Gonna have a chillaxing bath and pray for a good day tomorrow! It's bingo night at school! xx

Day 13 - 11/08/14 - Prague

Nearly died of a minor cold this morning. Archie saved my life with paracetamol and a dodgy baguette off a weird woman. Had a shower and felt better - woohoo!

It was very rainy in Prague today so pacamacs on! Headed out into the town, nearly missed the 'astronomical clock', (meant to be one of the most disappointing sights ever), saw Charles bridge and got a coffee in macciedees :) free wifi!

Decided that we needed to book a Segway tour and got one for only £30 later in the day. Set off to try and find the castle! On our way we got literally pulled into a medieval-type pub by two scary men who couldn't break character! Had quite a nice dark beer there and then walked up a lot of stairs to find the nicest view and see the guards and parliament.

Walked back down the but this time through a lot of grapevines, and stumbled upon a lovely typical Czech restaurant instead of KFC (which we were embarrassingly aiming for).



After eating the nicest meal so far in Czech Republic we accidentally found the 'weemen', saw people making a rolled-sweet-bread type thing and all the love locks under the bridge. Walked back over Charles bridge and saw the famous band that plays on it!

Back to the hostel for a chill and started to feel peckish again so got a quick, weird and definitely untrustworthy McDonalds before our Segway tour! Met some nice Americans from Malibu and funny Chinese man who were also in our group for the Segways. The views were awesome and the experience was amazing!! Would defo recommend doing it! Right at the end of our tour, Archie raced me and as we were both nearly reaching 20mph he fell off!! Haha I wish I'd have been filming!

 

Back to room again to pre drink before hitting the ice bar! So unbelievably cold!! We had a laugh with the people in there though, doing the Harlem Shake to stay warm! Feeling slightly tipsy I was determined to try one of those yummy sweet rolled bread on way home and it was very yummy indeed x

 

Day 12 - 10/08/14 - Prague!

Up early to make sure our washed clothes were now dry and drove to the Hauptbahnhof to say 'tschuß!' Although Dad was a little more interested in free wifi at the station...




Archie and I got on an extremely busy train towards Prague. We realised we'd been really lucky with not booking any reservations so far and made the mistake of not booking a seat on this 5 hour journey one!! Ended up having a snoozle on the carriageway floor, using my backpack as a handy pillow. We sat down for maybe 5 minutes while someone got up from their seats and chatted to a woman and her son who were all the way from Dubai!



Once in Prague (or Praha as they call it) it was up to me to show Archie the way to our next hostel (as I'd booked it). BUT because I booked it in Germany, the already brief directions became even more miffing. My German isn't 100% but I was pretty sure it said to go right, over the park and carry on but Archie trusted a Czech guys opinion on going left to head for a subway. Now on this certain day Prague had to be the most ridiculously humid place on earth, which explained the amount of rain the following day haha! And after a lot of pointless walking,
you guessed it,
we got lost.






A nice surprise, when we did get there following MY directions, was to find we had a room all to ourselves! :) Starving and ready to get out we went for dinner at an American diner called James Deans and stuffed our faces in the country that is supposed to have the 'worst diet' due to 'greasy and heavy food'. Full up to our bellies we hobbled back to sleep off the starch and after being amazed at the amount of cannabis vodka, duff beer and original 'budweiser' we hit the hay x

Day 11 - 09/08/14 - Berlin!

Woke up to enjoy a typisch dad breakie! Toast, hams, cheese and his specialty- eggs! Me and Archie have already visited and toured Berlin so sights weren't that important. Although, last time we came I couldn't locate Checkpoint Charlie to show Arch, so this was a must for today!! 

And yay it was another hot day! We wanted to get some lunch in maybe Alexanderplatz but we got a little lost... Eventually we made it after looking at all the Berlin bears in a souvenir shop and we grabbed a Chinese box for lunch. 

All of a sudden as we walked around the market, what seemed like a nice day turned into the scene out of the Wizard of Oz - it was so windy! Scurried for shelter at the nearest U-bahn and decided to go home and chill. Just missing the rain, we spent some time on the PC looking for future hostels and a decent apartment or something to stay in when we explore Croatia.

Dad took us all out for dinner at a place called Spindler and Klatt! (Hehe, love the name!) It was a fancy place, with posh food and a disco. With full bellies, bedtime was due. 

Day 10 - 08/08/14 - Berlin!

Got up for breakie and helped Juana tidy up a bit whilst getting ready to go! She drove us to the train station and we said our goodbyes!! Gave her and her parents 'tak' (thank you in Danish) cards. 

After a lovely train journey of filling in some more of our travel journal (oh yeah, forgot to mention that!), enjoying a real Danish pastry with tea and coffee and scoffing the sandwiches Juana herself made us, we arrived in Berlin (hamburg looked nice too) and saw my dad! He picked us up along with his current girlfriend (Heike) and we did a a quick food shop in Edeka before arriving at the flat to unpack, watch a bit of TV, shower, ring mom and surf the net on a very old PC.

After a long hour Heike produced a yummy meal of bolletten, potatoes, sauerkraut, red cabbage and gravy! And dad even made a gurke salat! Later on we went out to a man-made beach party by the river :) had some drinks and headed back. Felt REALLY sick in the night! I don't think alcohol likes me anymore :(