For a while now I've been suffering with something that I've never really been able to deal with. I'm a big believer in being honest and I know that when I read stuff that relates to what I'm going through it really helps, so as hard as this is to admit, (to anyone, never mind the internet) I think it will be good for me and hopefully someone else out there that's also in this situation.
I have Emetophobia and from this a few other 'symptoms' that I suppose come hand in hand. It's the fear of being sick.
I'll start from the very beginning, and tell you my real story. I can't really remember exactly what caused me to have this fear, there aren't any major triggers in the back of my mind that I distinctly remember but I can't actually imagine a time when I didn't have this fear?
Now I know that your only born with two fears blah blah blah 'fear of falling' and 'fear of loud noises' and you 'develop and create the rest of your fears'. You'd think I'd have experienced some sort of traumatic car journey with the whole family throwing up over each other but I can't recall anything so awful that would make me so scared of it? Anywho, whatever it was, I've bloody well got this fear now and it's kinda started to eat me up.
It was a big problem growing up throughout school. I progressively took more and more time off school, avoided staying over at friend's houses and even cancelled meeting up with friends because of it. I could never eat out at a restaurant (or anywhere else other than my house for that matter) and found it hard to even trust what my Mother cooked for me.
I remember getting mouth ulcers all the time and having a really bad technique of pinching and scratching myself to try to deal with it.
And then I met my current boyfriend, who eased the worrying massively, made me 'chillax' in a way that my fear seemed to just disappear... Until about a year ago when I actually vomited. That was a bit of a downer; I wasn't even that bothered at the time. But sure enough, after all that trained calmness, the liberation and feeling as though I had beaten whatever this child fear was, it all came back. And worse than ever before.
I could feel a sort of anxiety setting in. Days off work. Panic attacks grew more intense. IBS flared up. Producing excessive acid. Starting to avoid social events. You know, even going out to Lidl for some bread seemed like a giant ask. I stopped all the voluntary work I used to do. Stopped learning Spanish at college. Made up silly excuses to friends about how busy I was or how 'physically' ill I'd been. It started to get quite ridiculous.
And then I met my current boyfriend, who eased the worrying massively, made me 'chillax' in a way that my fear seemed to just disappear... Until about a year ago when I actually vomited. That was a bit of a downer; I wasn't even that bothered at the time. But sure enough, after all that trained calmness, the liberation and feeling as though I had beaten whatever this child fear was, it all came back. And worse than ever before.
I could feel a sort of anxiety setting in. Days off work. Panic attacks grew more intense. IBS flared up. Producing excessive acid. Starting to avoid social events. You know, even going out to Lidl for some bread seemed like a giant ask. I stopped all the voluntary work I used to do. Stopped learning Spanish at college. Made up silly excuses to friends about how busy I was or how 'physically' ill I'd been. It started to get quite ridiculous.
It was at a party about 2 months ago where it all changed for me. I wasn't drinking anyway as I was afraid that would make me feel sick. We'd all ordered pizza and half way through eating I stopped enjoying it and started to worry something was wrong with it. About an hour later I had to go upstairs away from everyone else because I was having a massive panic attack that I would throw up. I was nearly crying at how stupid I'd been, not even being able to sit with friends or just be sick and move on like normal people! And that's when I decided I was gonna do something about this, I managed to calm myself down and researched on the internet for any self-help guides. I texted mom and promised myself I'd talk with her the next day about it and seek help.
I found it really hard to even open up to my mom who I'm unbelievably close with, but even just a quick chat helped me. We booked a doctor appointment and I was referred to have CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). But as the NHS (and most people) believe mental health isn't as important as physical, I was put on a waiting list that frankly, I couldn't wait for.
After a bit more research and more bad days, I found a hypnotherapist near by me that could fit me in that week so I thought I'd give it a go. I would try anything that works! And after just 2 sessions with this man, I've been panic attack free somehow?!! No, not everything's disappeared overnight, I still feel nervy, almost like I'm waiting for something bad to happen but so far, no, I'm surprisingly getting on well.
After a bit more research and more bad days, I found a hypnotherapist near by me that could fit me in that week so I thought I'd give it a go. I would try anything that works! And after just 2 sessions with this man, I've been panic attack free somehow?!! No, not everything's disappeared overnight, I still feel nervy, almost like I'm waiting for something bad to happen but so far, no, I'm surprisingly getting on well.
The main reason I'm writing this now is to help. Myself, and anyone that has mental health too. Please please please talk about it! There's such a stigma about having this illness and people need to become used to the fact that it is serious and people are suffering from it, as much as anyone would with a physical problem. The more we talk and share our issues, the more we can help ourselves and hopefully help change the way people view it. Speaking to people has 100% helped me in my journey to feeling well and healthy and happy so please open up to someone, anyone. A bit of support will make a huge difference.
